9. Truth

 

I want to mark a day of truth.

 

Admitting I am not happy is one truth.

Seeing it feels like seeing ugliness.

Happiness is expected.

Failure is shameful.

​

I thought if I was not happy enough,

it was because I did not appreciate what I had achieved -

my fault.

 

When I said out loud that loneliness weakened me,

something broke open.

Once allowed, it spread.

I could not put it back.

 

I don’t try anymore. I let it exist.

When it has space, it hurts less.

 

I did not hate loneliness.

I idolised it, the way I idolised my father.

 

Today, I brought it down from its pedestal.

I said: you may stay, but you will not dominate my home.

 

I want something else with me.

Something I ignored because I thought I could live without.

 

I did not know that what I lacked.

I am grieving for what I could not lose because I never had it.

Or did I?